When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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