sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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