Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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