i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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