we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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