So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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