I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
