Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
