i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
