woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
