I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
