just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
