So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
