If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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