sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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