Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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