My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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