dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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