Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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