At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
