woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
