I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
