census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
