You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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