Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
