I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
