how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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