Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
