i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
