My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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