In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
