Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
