One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
