You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm passing your future prison.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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