the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
