Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
