you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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