No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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