Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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