u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
