when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
