I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I deserve this hangover.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
