The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
