I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
