He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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