watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
