hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
