it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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