Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
