Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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