I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My dick has a subreddit
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You left your phone here
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