I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
